Faking It

Naming the baby might be something I find more stressful than actually having one in the first place. I am going to be picking the means of identification for a child for its entire life. Sure, maybe we’ll crank out a super ugly kid, and that’s quite a stigma to carry around, but I can always claim I had nothing to do with that. But a super bad name (not super-bad, like Shaft) is all me. I can’t dodge that one.

There aren’t any names that are jumping out at me and striking me in the face with their quality. It’s funny that it would be that way, because I know many people with names (you know how it is) and I think their names all suit them very well. I don’t find myself saying “I’m going to talk to Bill today. Man, what a raw deal he has with that name.” But just the same, I’m at best finding names that I am lukewarm about. Part of the issue is that they need to sound good with my last name. “Scarpelli” needs a special name to fit well with it. There’s the rhythm and cadence to worry about. And the number of “L”s. Gotta keep that in check over the span of the whole name.

What I do have, though, are names I won’t be going with. They are hereby presented for your reference:

Reginald VelJohnson Scarpelli

Supreme Chancellor Scarpelli (actually… hmmm…)

Carrot Top Scarpelli

Pants Ontheground Scarpelli (am I too late with that joke now? I swear it was current and topical when I started this draft)

Slobodan Scarpelli

Tyffani Sparkles Scarpelli

Tito Jermajesty Scarpelli

George W. Scarpelli

Greta von Scarpelli

Feel free to suggest your own names that I should not be giving to my child.