Mad Libs

I almost wasn’t going to write a post tonight. I’ve been pretty tired, and Tuesday’s are the hardest days of the week. In order to help Janelle’s morning blood sugar levels stay down, we take a walk for 20 minutes after breakfast. This means that in order to have the time for our full morning routine, plus a full breakfast (rather than one we bring to work and eat) and a walk, we’re up at 5am each day. On days we have class, we have enough time to get home, eat dinner and sit for a bit, and then we’re in the car on the way to class. We usually don’t get home until just before 10pm. I was planning on just finding some wacky YouTube video and posting it as a throwaway post.

But then the workbook we read in class provided a save.

We went over a sheet of paper that was a series of lines of encouragement that the coach (typically the code-name for Dad in the Bradley system, but really anyone who is assisting the mother to give birth) can say to the mother to help her get through the process. Each suggestion, though, hand one or two blanks inserted into it and in class we discussed the things that you could say in those spots to the mom.

Being fairly well bored, I took a break from doing mental anagrams of random words in the booklet (protip: great way to pass the time when bored) and decided to play Birthing Coach Madlibs.

First Stage Labor

  1. “Concentrate on your hands being loose, and deadly, and flashing gang signs.”
  2. “The stronger the contraction, the more you have to shotgun a beer.”
  3. “You’re doing a grunty job.”
  4. “Isn’t my wife doing pantsless things!”
  5. “Picture your cervix rampaging like a Mongolian horde.”
  6. “The discomfort in your back means the baby is moving into a new tax bracket.”
  7. “Think about the baby moving contraband through your checkpoints.”
  8. “You’re doing something!”
  9. “You look pretty sweaty, actually.”
  10. “I love pie.”
  11. “Think of yourself as a leaf floating on a huge, sweaty hippo.”

Second Stage Labor

  1. “Hold your breath as long as is humanly possible.”
  2. “Push to the point of generating escape velocity.”
  3. “You’re doing stuff!”
  4. Mediocre job!”
  5. “Completely crush the doctor between your thighs and recoup your energy.”
  6. “I can see the OHMYGODWHATISTHAT.”

I’m pretty sure Janelle’s going to be the most encouraged Mom in that hospital once I’ve given her these inspiring gems.

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